There are good days, there are bad days, and there are days
that have a little bit of both.
Yesterday would have been Isaac’s three month birthday, and it went a
LOT better than I expected it to. It
actually was a really good day, good enough that I was even able to enjoy
holding and cuddling our sweet nephew. I
did break down and shed a few tears last night, but over all, I handled the day
so much better than I thought I would, and I am thankful for that.
Today has been a good day, but tonight, sitting at home by
myself while Adam is in Cincinnati for an intro to the online class he’s taking
this semester, I’m starting to struggle.
I’ve always been someone who needs some time to myself, but since Adam
was diagnosed with lymphoma back in January, I haven’t really had much time to
be on my own, and since losing Isaac, I’ve found that it’s the moments I’m
completely alone that I feel the pain the most.
It’s weird how the time that I used to look forward to so much is now
the time that I dread. When I’m by
myself, I have time to really think, and while that isn’t necessarily a bad
thing, it can be really hard.
All that being said, as I’m on my own for a few hours
tonight, I’m thinking about Isaac and how much I miss him, but I’m also
thinking about the time I got to spend with a dear friend earlier today and a
few different parts of our conversation that have stuck in my mind all
afternoon. First of all, Jenni knows
that writing has always been a very important part of how I process and deal
with things, and she is encouraging me to start writing again. She’s right.
I need to write, but as I haven’t really felt like doing so, I’ve
decided that the best way to hold myself accountable to that is by
blogging. I’m also choosing to blog for
another reason. I talked to Jenni about
how I had no problem posting what I wrote about Isaac and where my heart is on
the Hope Mommies blog, but it took me a while to willingly post it on facebook
where people that I actually know would see it.
When she asked why that was difficult for me, I had to acknowledge that
I didn’t like the idea of people I have contact with seeing that I’m struggling
and knowing where my heart is. I need to
be open about it though. The last reason
that I’ve decided to blog is that I have had people comment about how strong I
am and how encouraging my faith has been through everything, and I need those
people to know that I am not someone to admire in that because in no way am I
strong and my faith is so very weak.
There are so many other things I took away from the time I
had with Jenni today, and I want to write about quite a few of those, but Adam
is home now, it’s getting late, and I have to be up at 4:45am for work
tomorrow. I’ll write more soon, and if I
don’t, please call me out on it.
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