Blogging

There are good days, there are bad days, and there are days that have a little bit of both.  Yesterday would have been Isaac’s three month birthday, and it went a LOT better than I expected it to.  It actually was a really good day, good enough that I was even able to enjoy holding and cuddling our sweet nephew.  I did break down and shed a few tears last night, but over all, I handled the day so much better than I thought I would, and I am thankful for that.

Today has been a good day, but tonight, sitting at home by myself while Adam is in Cincinnati for an intro to the online class he’s taking this semester, I’m starting to struggle.  I’ve always been someone who needs some time to myself, but since Adam was diagnosed with lymphoma back in January, I haven’t really had much time to be on my own, and since losing Isaac, I’ve found that it’s the moments I’m completely alone that I feel the pain the most.  It’s weird how the time that I used to look forward to so much is now the time that I dread.  When I’m by myself, I have time to really think, and while that isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it can be really hard.

All that being said, as I’m on my own for a few hours tonight, I’m thinking about Isaac and how much I miss him, but I’m also thinking about the time I got to spend with a dear friend earlier today and a few different parts of our conversation that have stuck in my mind all afternoon.  First of all, Jenni knows that writing has always been a very important part of how I process and deal with things, and she is encouraging me to start writing again.  She’s right.  I need to write, but as I haven’t really felt like doing so, I’ve decided that the best way to hold myself accountable to that is by blogging.  I’m also choosing to blog for another reason.  I talked to Jenni about how I had no problem posting what I wrote about Isaac and where my heart is on the Hope Mommies blog, but it took me a while to willingly post it on facebook where people that I actually know would see it.  When she asked why that was difficult for me, I had to acknowledge that I didn’t like the idea of people I have contact with seeing that I’m struggling and knowing where my heart is.  I need to be open about it though.  The last reason that I’ve decided to blog is that I have had people comment about how strong I am and how encouraging my faith has been through everything, and I need those people to know that I am not someone to admire in that because in no way am I strong and my faith is so very weak. 

There are so many other things I took away from the time I had with Jenni today, and I want to write about quite a few of those, but Adam is home now, it’s getting late, and I have to be up at 4:45am for work tomorrow.  I’ll write more soon, and if I don’t, please call me out on it.