Our Little Family

Well, it has been a very long time since I've posted anything on my blog, and so much has changed since I last wrote.  First of all, Adam and I were married on July 7th, 2012.  It was the hottest day of the summer, but the wedding was absolutely perfect, and I love being married to my best friend.  The first few months of our marriage were pretty uneventful, just figuring out what it looked like to be married, and we enjoyed it.

In January, our world changed.  We found out in early January that I was pregnant.  We were nervous, but so excited!  Immediately, I started planning and browsing pinterest for nursery themes, the best baby products, and anything else baby related.  Adam's sister was pregnant and due in June...I was excited that the cousins would only be a few months apart.

A couple days later Adam texted me from work saying that he wasn't feeling well.  He told me that his throat hurt and his chest was feeling weird.  I insisted that he make a doctor's appointment, so he went in that afternoon.  The doctor could tell there was some swelling in his throat and figured it was a virus, so, she gave him a Z-pack and told him to come back at the end of the week if it didn't help.  He still wasn't feeling well when he finished the medication so he went back.  The swelling was still there and worsening, so our doctor sent him to the hospital to have some scans done and we were told to call on Monday (it was Friday) for the results.  That night Adam couldn't sleep.  He was in pain and parts of his neck and shoulder were numb.  We called the on-call number for our doctor and were told to go to the ER.  The did a quick exam and then sent Adam for a CT scan.  The scan showed that there was a large (approximately 10cm) mass in his throat that was beginning to expand into his chest.  That was when we first heard that cancer was a possibility and we were taken via ambulance to an ER with an on-call ENT (Ear, nose, and throat specialist).  The ENT decided that they needed to do a biopsy as soon as possible and scheduled one for Monday morning.  We planned to meet with the ENT a few days after to biopsy to get the results and come up with a plan.  We never had that meeting.  Wednesday night we got a phone call that would forever change our lives.  The results were back and the mass was cancer.  The next morning we made the hour long trip to Cincinnati and met with the oncologist Adam was being referred to.  The cancer was an aggressive form of lymphoma and he needed to start treatment right away.  Adam was admitted to the hospital that afternoon and chemotherapy started the next morning.  The next few months were hard.  Treatments were a combination of 24 hour infusions and smaller doses, so we were in the hospital for a week straight at times, and when we weren't, we were there almost every day for infusions.  Chemo was hard on Adam and it made him pretty sick on a regular basis.  Not only did he physically feel awful, he was frustrated because morning sickness was destroying me, but instead of him being able to take care of me, I was having to fight through it and take care of him.  Despite severe morning sickness that had me losing weight rather than gaining it, I was enjoying pregnancy and looking forward to meeting our baby was giving Adam and I both a lot of hope for the future, when chemo would be over and we would be finishing the nursery and getting ready for our first child.

We found out at the end of April that we were going to have a little boy, Isaac Eugene, and at the beginning of May, Adam finished his chemotherapy.  The planning and preparations were taken to a whole new level.  We decided on a dinosaur themed nursery and had a great time registering for baby gifts, a very large majority of which were dino related.  With chemo done and Adam starting to regain some of his strength and energy, life was looking good.

Saturday, May 18th started out like a normal Saturday for us.  Adam and I spent the day relaxing and watching the Cincinnati Red's game.  Throughout my pregnancy, our sweet boy was always the most active when I was watching baseball.  Our Isaac was a huge Red's fan, even in the womb!  As we watched the game that afternoon, Isaac was loving it.  He was the most active I had ever felt him be, and Adam was loving how much he was getting to feel our little man kick.  We didn't realize that he was trying to tell us something.  That night we were going to dinner in Cincinnati with a group of about 15 friends to celebrate birthdays, Adam's and another close friend's.  About an hour before we needed to leave, I started to have severe cramps.  I was concerned, but, about a week and a half before I had gone to the ER for the exact same pains and without even having an exam done was told that there was a stomach bug going around and I would be fine.  So, I kept getting ready for dinner and did my best to ignore the severe pains that kept shooting through my back and stomach.  As we were driving to dinner the pain got worse, but we had a couple friends in the car and I didn't want to sound like I was complaining, so I didn't say anything.  When we got to the restaurant and I stood up to get out of the car, I instantly knew something was wrong.  I went straight to the restroom and was terrified by the amount of blood that I saw.  I panicked.  It was prom night and I was in a bathroom stall, blood everywhere, with high school girls standing right outside the door talking about how their make up was perfect and how much they loved their dresses.  I remember thinking that I wanted to scream, I wanted to burst into tears, but I wouldn't let myself because I didn't want to freak out the high schoolers.  When I got back to Adam, I pulled him away from our friends and told him what was going on and we called my doctor.  He told us that I needed to get to an emergency room immediately.  Being 45 minutes away from home, we didn't know where to go, so he suggested a hospital in the area with a national recognized NICU and maternity ward.  The ten minute drive to the hospital seemed like it took forever. I spent the whole drive crying, afraid that we were going to lose our son right then and there.

We got to the hospital at 7:30pm and were sent straight to the labor and delivery floor.  They started asking me all the insurance questions but quickly realized that Adam could take care of that while they found out what was going on with me and our baby.  As soon as I was in an exam room, they hooked up a fetal heart monitor.  Thankfully, they were able to find Isaac's strong heartbeat right away.  It didn't last long though.  Another round of pain, apparently those cramps were contractions, seized me and Isaac's heartbeat dropped drastically.  The doctor did an exam and found that despite being 23 weeks and 6 days pregnant, I was fully dilated and that the umbilical cord was on the opposite side of the placenta, so every time I had a contraction, pressure was being put on the cord and Isaac wasn't getting the blood and oxygen that he needed.  By this time, Adam was done with the paperwork and was with me.  The doctor told us that our baby was going to be born very soon and that we could choose whether to have a natural birth or an emergency c-section.  With a natural birth, there was little to no chance of Isaac surviving, and the odds were only slightly better with the c-section.  While our plan had always been to have as natural of a birth as possible, we decided to go with the c-section and told the doctor to do whatever was necessary to save our son.  Because of how quickly everything needed to happen, I was rushed to the operating room and completely put under, and Adam wasn't allowed to be in the surgery with me.

Isaac Eugene Crosby was born at 8:08pm, 1lb 2oz, 11 3/4inches long.  From the very beginning, he was a little fighter.  If he hadn't attempted to breath on his own, they wouldn't have tried to do anything to save him, but he did gasp for air, and so our little man was quickly examined and hooked up to a ventilator to help him breath.  Since I was still in surgery and would need some time to come around after the anesthesia, Adam was able to spend the first hour of Isaac's life with our sweet baby.  Had we been at home and gone to the hospital where we originally planned to have Isaac, our hospital would not have been able to taking care of such a premature baby.  Once I woke up, Adam came to be with me and showed me a picture of our precious little boy.  When I was able to move from recovery to a room, the nurse wheeled my bed through the NICU so that I could meet my son for the first time.  He was so tiny, but so beautiful and so perfect.  From the moment we found out that I was pregnant, I had loved him, but seeing him for the first time, he completely stole my heart.  I could have just sat there staring at him and talking to him for hours, but instead I had to be taken to my room and was told to get some sleep.  The next day I wasn't allowed to go see Isaac until I was able to get out of bed and into a wheel chair (not such an easy task after a c-section...the pain was awful!), and my nurse wouldn't let me do that until fairly late into the afternoon.  It drove me crazy! I just wanted to be with my baby.  When he had been born, Adam was told that there was only a 20% chance of our baby living, so once I was allowed to be out of bed, Adam and I spent every moment we possibly could at Isaac's bedside.  The first couple days seemed to go okay.  Isaac's skin was initially a very thin, waxy texture, prone to tearing and very sensitive, so we had to be very careful touching him.  Over time, his skin became stronger and we were allowed to change our babies diapers every few hours.  I loved that!  Because he was born so early, most of his organs needed some help learning how to work, especially his lungs, so he was on an oscillating ventilator.  Because of how the ventilator worked, we weren't able to hold Isaac.  It is so hard to watch your child fighting for life and not only being helpless to do anything to make it easier, but not even being able to hold him.  When he was three days old, Isaac's blood tests came back showing such low levels that the doctor's believed the only explanation was that his brain was bleeding.  They were going to do an ultrasound on his head the next morning and if there was a bleed in his brain, we would have to say good-bye because there wouldn't be anything that could be done to fix it.  That was a very tearful night.  We, as well as our family and friends, spent hours in prayer for our tiny baby boy.  To the surprise of the doctor's and nurses, the ultrasound showed that his brain was completely fine!  At that moment, I believed that our baby was going to survive.  God had worked it out that we were near an amazing hospital, one capable of dealing with our situation, when I went into labor, and He had proved Himself again when Isaac's ultrasound came back clean when there was no other explanation for his low levels of blood.  I was still scared, still very nervous, but I trusted the Lord to take care of my son and to help him grow healthy and strong.  Isaac was fed breast milk very early on and handled it well.  He was gaining weight (very slowly...but with being so small, any weight gain was a big deal), his skin was healing, and he was a very spirited and willful little boy.  Being in the NICU was hard, and there were some terrifying moments, but I trusted that the Lord was going to take care of everything and that at the beginning of September, when Isaac was initially due, we would be taking him home, happy and healthy.

At 11 days old, Isaac's blood work showed signs of infection and his breathing, which had been steadily getting better and almost to the point that his ventilator could be switched to one that would allow us to hold him, began to be a difficulty again.  After many, many tests, we still had no answers as to what type of infection it was or where in his body it was, so a week long anti-biotic treatment began.  After a couple days, it seemed to be working and our little man looked and acted like he was feeling better.  Because of the breathing tube, we never got to hear him cry, but Isaac was very good at letting us know how he was feeling.  For one, he had a wide range of facial expressions, but he also had the tendency to drop his breathing and heart rates when something was wrong or he was unhappy and then would fairly quickly fix them again when he got his way (yeah, my son was the kid that would hold his breathe until he got what he wanted).  It seemed like the infection was subsiding and Isaac was going to be okay...but the day that the anti-biotics stopped, the his blood levels showed that the infection was getting worse again and that his tiny body wasn't able to keep fighting it.   Throughout our whole time in the NICU, the story of Abraham and Isaac came to mind over and over again.  The Lord had tested Abraham, and when he showed his willingness to give up his only son, the Lord rewarded him and providing a ram for the sacrifice instead of using his Isaac.  I told the Lord that I believed He would heal my son, but that I also knew Isaac belonged to Him.  I tried to be okay with the fact that God could take Isaac away from me, and I told Him that I was okay with it, but I wasn't.  I put on a strong front, and when friends asked, I told them that Isaac belonged to the Lord more than he did to me...every time I said it, every time I prayed and acknowledge to the Lord that my son was His, a little more of me would fall apart. 

When Isaac was 19 days old, Adam and I got the phone call that we needed to get the hospital right away (we had left less than an hour beforehand to take a quick shower before heading right back to the hospital).  Isaac wasn't doing well and things weren't looking good.  They had run more tests and and were able to find out that the infection was NEC (necrotizing enterocolitis).  NEC is an infection that causes tissue in the intestines to die.  In some cases, surgery can be done to repair the intestines, but Isaac was so little and his body was already so overwhelmed that surgery wasn't an option.  All we could do was wait and pray, hoping that the anti-biotics would be enough to get rid of the infection.  I believed that it would be.  When we got to the hospital, Isaac kept crashing.  His heart rate and ability to breath would drop and they were constantly having to re-intubate because the infection was affecting his lungs so much that the breathing tube would get clogged within moments of being put in.  Eventually the doctor told us that they could keep trying to re-intubate every few minutes, but it wouldn't change anything and it would only hurt Isaac more.  He said that it would probably be best if we told them to stop trying and just held Isaac, letting him spend his last few moments in the arms of his parents, who loved him.  That was the hardest decision of my life.  Up until that point, the only time that I had gotten to hold Isaac was when his isolette broke and they had me hold him for the brief two minutes that it took to switch everything over to a new isolette, and Adam had never gotten to hold him.          We held him, and we said good-bye to the tiniest, most precious thing either of us had ever had.  Isaac passed away on June 6th, 2013 at 12:30pm.

I had 19 amazing days with my son, 19 days that I wouldn't trade for anything.  We have beautiful memories of our little boy opening his eyes when he was 15 days old, of Adam laughing because Isaac loved to wait until I had put a new diaper under him to start pooping again, of sitting by his side reading  to him and telling him about our lives.  I treasure that time and will forever be thankful for it, and yet, there are moments when I almost feel like it would be less painful if the Lord had taken Isaac sooner.  If I'm going to be brutally honest, I am furious with God right now.  I don't understand why He took my sweet son away.  I don't understand why He would work everything out so perfectly that we were near the best possible hospital we could be for Isaac to be born and that He would keep Isaac from having a brain bleed when there seemed like there was no other possibility, and then take him away from us.  I know that God has a plan and that He works everything out for our good, but I don't know that I believe that right now.  No plan is ever a good enough reason to have lost my little boy.  Nothing that could come of losing him will ever make it okay.  I don't care what God's plan is and I see absolutely no way that He can turn the loss of my precious baby into something that is for my good.  I constantly question God's power because I know that He could have healed the infection and made Isaac better, but He didn't.  I feel hurt and betrayed by the Lord.  Wasn't it enough that we had to struggle through Adam's cancer (as of a couple weeks ago, he is cancer free!)?  Why make life even more difficult by taking away our son?  It doesn't seem fair!  There are parents who don't care about their children at all, there were multiple stories on the news last night about mothers neglecting and abusing their kids...how is it fair that we loved and wanted Isaac, and we lost him, while those mothers don't care and harm their  kids but still have them?

It has been a little over two months since we lost Isaac, and every day is a struggle.  Some days I feel like I'm getting by alright, and some days I just break down and cry.  We have a nephew who was born ten days after Isaac.  I love him dearly and he is such a sweet little baby,  but sometimes it is so hard to see him and be around him because he is a reminder to me of the little boy that I don't have anymore.  I should still be pregnant.  I should have less than a month before Isaac is born.  I should be finishing up the nursery, putting a hospital bag together, and making sure that the car seat is in the car and ready to go...instead I'm writing this, crying, missing my son and longing for some way to ease the emptiness I feel in my heart and in my arms where my baby boy should be.