Let the Healing Begin

The day that Isaac was born, people were expecting a phone call saying that there was a new baby in the family...they just didn't expect it to be Isaac.  Adam's sister, Jenn, was also pregnant with her first baby and was due in early June.  I think all of us were expecting Jenn to go into labor a bit early, so, when phone calls were made on the evening of May 18th, things seemed a bit mixed up.  Knowing that I was going to have a little nephew at pretty much anytime, I got nervous.  I love my son with all my heart, and it hurt so much to not be able to hold him, or help him in anyway.  I was excited for baby Everett to make his entrance into the world, but I was worried that knowing that he was healthy and that Jenn and Dylan could hold him and take him home would be really hard for me and would make me jealous.  Thankfully, my sister-in-law and brother-in-law are awesome and when I sent Jenn a message (I would have preferred to call her, but that would have meant having to leave the NICU), they were very understanding and we were able to have some really encouraging conversation about where my heart was.  I'm glad I sent that message when I did because the next day, sweet Everett was born; healthy and happy.  It was hard on me.  While I was happy for Jenn and Dylan, I resented that they could hold and take care of and play with Everett, and that they didn't have the concern and worry that were a constant for Adam and I as we spent our days by Isaac's side.  I spent a few days not wanting to hear any updates about how they were doing, and when pictures would pop up on my facebook, I quickly removed them from my newsfeed.  I felt awful for having that reaction, but it hurt too much knowing that other people had healthy, closer to term babies than our sweet son, who was fighting for his life on a regular basis.  It didn't seem fair to me, and I held on to a lot of frustration and anger that we were in such a difficult and emotionally challenging situation.  I wouldn't trade a single second of the time that I had with my precious son, and I love him more than I ever realized was possible, but I so desperately wanted him to still be growing inside of me.  I wanted to wake up and realize that it had all been a dream, that I was still pregnant and looking forward to Isaac's due date of September 8th.

Then June 6th happened.  Our sweet Isaac couldn't fight the infection anymore and he passed away.  There are no words to describe the pain and heartache that go with losing your child.  To be honest, I didn't want life to go on.  I wanted everything to end, like my son's time with us had.  However, life does keep going, but with the loss and brokenness always on your mind and in your heart.  It didn't take much to bring the pain to the surface (sometimes it still doesn't), and unfortunately, babies and young children were a huge reminder of the precious little boy that we lost.  For weeks, I avoided being around kids.  Anytime friends posted pictures of their kids on facebook, I took them off my newsfeed.  It was just too hard to see a child and wonder what our son would look like at that age, and what he would enjoy doing...and it broke my heart a little more every time.

My avoidance of children also included our nephew.  Actually, it especially included Everett.  They were so close in age, and I had envisioned two little cousins growing up together.  They would have started kindergarten at the same time, become teenagers just ten days apart, graduated high school the same year... At that time, in my mind, Everett represented all the days that I would never have with Isaac, and all the memories that I would never get to make.  I was terrified of meeting Everett, afraid that I wouldn't like him because he was alive and Isaac wasn't.  I hated feeling that way!  This was my precious baby nephew, whom I had been so excited to meet and love, and I wanted nothing to do with him.  I was angry at myself for feeling that way, but I didn't know how to change it and continued to do everything I could to not be around him.  I was successful in that until Adam's parents asked us to have a family dinner with them, Jenn, Dylan, and Everett before Adam and I left for vacation.  I didn't want to.  To be honest, I still was having a hard time being around anyone, so family dinner just sounded like a really bad idea to me, especially since Everett would be there.  I didn't want to have family dinner, but I also felt like I didn't have a choice.  We had turned down multiple invitations from Adam's parents and I felt like saying 'no' to dinner would make it seem like we were avoiding them.  So, though Adam and I both were nervous and kind of even dreading going to dinner, we said that we would.  I called Jenn a few days beforehand and told her how nervous I was about the dinner, and it was another really great and encouraging conversation.  She told me that while Everett would be there, they would make sure that no one talked about him unless Adam or I asked.

When the night of the dinner came around, I again did not want to go.  I did not want to meet Everett (he was over a month old and we still hadn't even met him!), and I was worried that just knowing he was there was going to be really hard.  Initially, things started out a little tense (for me anyway, I don't know about anyone else).  Over time though, I started to realize that maybe, just maybe, everything would be okay.  I slowly let myself wonder about Everett and would even look at him on occasion.  The kid is cute, and so sweet!  Before the night was over, Adam and I had both even held him for a little while.  I fell in love with my adorable nephew that night and stopped trying to actively avoid being around kids all the time.  Granted, there were still some days that I knew I was struggling and that I couldn't handle being around children, so on those days, I tried to stay away; it wasn't a constant though.  I stopped hiding the pictures that would show up on facebook, and even started enjoying seeing some of them (my friends and family have cute kids!).

Due to a couple different family events and the fact that Adam and I go to the same church as Jenn and Dylan, I've seen Everett quite a bit the past couple weeks, and every time, I've wanted to hold him and play with him (the fact that he seems to get cuter every day may be a part of that too).  At church on Sunday, I was holding him while we were singing and I didn't want to give him back to Jenn before the sermon started.  As I held him and watched him sleep in my arms, I realized that while being around Everett does make me think of Isaac even more (that seems impossible because I never stop thinking about him), I no longer see him as everything I won't have with my son.  I see him as my precious nephew, and I love him so much.  In a way, he's a comfort to me now.  It's hard to explain, but when I'm holding him, I see how innocent he is and it reminds me that there is still beauty and hope and good in my life.  Everett is helping me to heal, and he doesn't even know it.  No, I won't get to watch Isaac grow up, and I will always miss him and be sad that he isn't here with us, but I do get to watch sweet Everett grow up, and I want him to grow up knowing that I love him.    

My sweet nephew, Everett.  Jenn and Dylan found this onesie shortly before our "Adam Beat Cancer" party and decided that Everett needed it :-)